Waiter's Anti-Rant

The internet has a love/hate relationship with waiters. On the one hand there are those bashing waiters for being obsequious moneygrubbers, pretentious snobs, lackadaisical do-nothings, or self-victimizing banshees. On the other are the angry waiters voicing their complaints about their restaurants, customers, managers, and tips. Why, it's enough to make you wonder why become a waiter in the first place?

In response, I have decided to compile an "Anti-Rant" of a few of the things I do like about waiting. Oh, I'm not glamorizing it in any way - it most definitely has its downsides - I'm just showing a few of the ups.

1. It's relatively easy to get into. (Perfect for college students, hopefuls, recent grads, and never went)
2. It has an excellent earnings:hours worked potential. (Note the word potential. While a waiter can make $80-200 in 5 hours depending on the restaurant, he can also walk out having wasted 5 hours of the day)
3. It can be pretty flexible. (Mainly, that depends on the managers, though)
4. It's different every day. (Okay, that's halfway true. You're doing the same thing each day, just with different people, which brings me to my next point.)
5. You meet some of the weirdest, funniest, craziest, smartest, dumbest, and most interesting people. (Sure, they're maybe 2 tables out of your whole night, but hey, they're gems from the dross and the crap - yes, you take a lot of crap, too, but I'm just highlighting the ups).
6. You have some interesting conversations (I know, this point ties in with the one above it, but for me it's a facet worthy in its own right.)
7. You get to work magic. (I have made ladies cry on their anniversary from a simple "Guest Appreciation" cupcakes with a "Happy Xth Anniversary" message written across the plate in chocolate sauce. Yes, that particular lady may have had a couple of drinks already, but who am I to judge?)

These are just a few highlights of serving. I'm under no illusions that waiting is the most illustrious career, nor is it always the most pleasant, but it's a stepping stone and it's one I don't mind taking.

TCK Confession: Supermarket Freak-Out

So, for those new readers (or those TCM veterans who're a bit slow on the uptake), I was born in the USA, grew up in South Africa, and have now moved back to the USA for university.

I've been back in the states for 3 years now and I'd figured I was pretty much through with all my "I miss x from SA" phase (well, except for biltong, boerewors, pepper steak pies, and good tea. I'll never stop missing those).

Guess again.

So, I was taking a quick stop at Kroger to pick up some breakfast food and pens (waiters lose pens like my dad loses his keys) and we decided to pass through (unbeknownst to me) the international section. I saw a packet of digestives, which, as any Brit will tell you, are pretty freakin' awesome. So, I stopped and skimmed the shelves. I saw some pretty cool stuff: Cadbury drinking chocolate, proper tea biscuits, etc. Then I heard my girlfriend (who's American) say, with a great deal of puzzlement, two magic words: "Wine gums?"

The world. Just. Exploded. With. Rainbows.

I whipped my head up and gazed with wonder at the most magical sight. Wine gums! In America! I could have died happy right there and I may or may not have freaked out a little bit.

Of course, like any sane TCK, I started tearing through the shelves, looking for any food i might recognize from home. Chutney. Chicken tikka masala. No Weet-bix or marie biscuits, though... :'(

After a few minutes, I composed myself, and put the wine gums back on the shelf.

Twas magical.

Esse Quam Videri

"To be, rather than to seem."

Integrity.

Integrity is one of those character traits that is often both lauded and mourned. People praise it when it's seen (sometimes, depending on how it's shown or what it's shown over, however, it's maligned) and many (usually older generations and some fundamentalists) mourn its apparent demise.

But, what is it?

People often describe integrity as "being the same person that you are in public when no-one's around." It's a good working definition, but it's lacking some soundness. Being the same person publicly and privately is merely an aftereffect of integrity.

Buildings are said to have integrity or to have their integrity compromised. What do people mean when they say this?

Well, structural integrity is built off of two key factors: the quality of the foundation and the quality of materials.

A foundation lacking integrity lacks stability. It shifts and warps with the seasons, weather conditions, and age. Any homeowner dreads to hear that their foundation has shifted as the stability of the house is compromised. Cracks creep up walls; leaks develop; or floors could cave in. It doesn't matter what the house is built from, if the foundation isn't secure, if it doesn't have integrity, the house is doomed from the start.

Integrity-less building materials lack strength. They can be soft, porous, untreated, etc. As time and wear buffet a structure made of weak materials, breakage and rot sets in. Soft bricks erode and crack from the weather and strain; untreated and unprotected wood warps and rots; and porous or hollow materials begin to harbor pests or fungi. The house can no longer protect its inhabitants. It becomes a danger to its owners. It breaks down regardless of how well set its foundation is.

The same goes with personal integrity. Personal integrity stems from a firm foundation and material strength (aka strength of character).

Each of us needs to firmly establish our foundation, our worldview, such that we won't find ourselves shifting and our entire character/definition falling apart. Church, one of the reasons many individuals of my generation are falling away is because they never developed a firm, solid foundation in Christ. One must investigate one's beliefs, test it, try it, before the foundation can be set. Anything less and the foundation's set merely in sand, not bedrock.

Similarly, we must all choose our choice of building materials. Are we building with whims, passions, and concessions or with discipline, self control, and wisdom? Whims are hollow; discipline is solid. Passions are untreated; self-control is cured. Concessions are soft and porous; wisdom, true wisdom, is unyielding and without holes.

Of course, faulty materials are often packaged and sold as their superior counterparts, so one must pay careful to the source of one's character. The Bible calls these materials the "fruit of the Spirit". As Christians, we need to be looking to God for these materials, not to ourselves as we humans are flawed by our own sin, making anything of our production faulty, but God, by very definition being perfection, is able to provide perfect, flawless materials.

It's funny. Solomon wrote just that:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."                                                                   - Proverbs 3:5-6

Purity and the Battle for Integrity

This is a hard post to write. Purity is one of those qualities most often stressed in Christian circles. It becomes a looming giant of ideal perfection. It's also [censored] hard to attain.

Many consider purity to be actions-based, that one's actions make them pure or impure. I disagree. Outward actions stem from an inward desire, thought, or attitude. It stems from what is being fed into the mind and soul.

As Christians, we war against our "fleshly" yearnings, the desires to take actions, speak words, or think thoughts that run counter to the nature, goal, and directives of God. We ostracize ourselves from other Christians, thinking us fouler than the others, leprous, deserving quarantine.

THAT. IS. A. LIE.

We are told, particularly in the New Testament, to confess our sins to one another and to uphold one another. We are not meant to be ostracizing ourselves. Part of Christian Fellowship is reaching out and finding that other are experiencing/have experienced the same things.

But I digress.

This summer has been one of forging. God has definitely done a great deal of work in my life and it's not really been that pleasant. The best image I can devise is one of a blacksmith forging a ploughshare. The smith must heat the metal and hammer it repeatedly into shape, never letting it cool until the blade is formed and is ready to be sharpened and put to its proper use.

Over these short few months, I have had the... pleasure... of having a particular vice of mine worked upon. I have an avid curiosity which nothing piques better than the scintillating, sensual, titillating, or bizarre. With the vast internet at my fingertips, a bad combination very easily arises (or, more correctly, had previously arisen).

So, my actions: I started cutting back. When that didn't work 100%, I blocked sites. New sites with softer, cleaner content (but still in the same vein) were "stumbled upon" (and later blocked). And the cycle repeated itself once more.

Each time, I asked God, "Why again? Why now? Why is this all happening?"

"You haven't learned the lesson, you're just whitewashing over the cracks. You're supposedly preparing to serve Me on your residence hall come this fall, you're in a deepening relationship with someone and this needs to be addressed."

I'd been looking for a plaster, something to cover up the wound and make me "feel better". It wasn't working. I felt hollow, thin (still do - I'm still being worked upon), and false, like a mask upon a mannequin.

Recently, however, something seems to be coming together - an idea, a principle that is being hammered into me, so to speak: Integrity.

I'd been fighting mostly earnestly on my own strength, but I was also walking into sin. I was confessing to God, seeking in His forgiveness while a part of me relished the distraction. There was little integrity to my efforts and pleas. Each time God worked something out of my life, freed me from a particular sin/vice, I walked myself back into something similar to (but removed from) what I was previously doing.

I was like a dog returning to its own vomit and I was, am, disgusted at myself for it.

My prayers were, "God, deliver me from x. Give me the strength to fight x. Give me the wisdom to see x coming." God did, and I walked myself into y.

That was the whitewash, the attempting to cover the surface issues. I need/-ed to go deeper, to face the source of these issues, the underlying desires for fleshly satisfaction warring against the calling to present myself as a "living sacrifice to God, wholly pleasing Him". "Wholly." I need/-ed to grow in integrity and in my personal relationship with God before any of this will/would be resolved.

Now, my prayer is this, "God, give me the integrity to be who I present myself to be, who I should be; to not only say I'm free, but to actually be free; to live as one walking in Your footsteps, forsaking sin, wrath, anger, lust, immorality; to not be subjecting myself to the desires of self-satisfaction, worldly pleasure, and instant gratification..."

That's my prayer, well, a large portion of it, anyways. This is a battle that cannot be fought alone or in one's own strength, but must be fought with the full armour of God, with the perseverance and prayers of fellow believers, and the grace, mercy, forgiveness, and strength of God Himself.

Modesty

So, I want to talk about something that's a recurring popular issue and I'm probably going to get into hot water about it, too. See, I'm going to talk about modesty... from a guy's perspective.

Now, I've read many blogs and articles from the perspectives of religious fundamentalists, femininists, pop culture writers, clothing designers, and young, modern Christian women. I've seen articles claiming it's the guy's responsibility and some saying it's the ladies' responsibility, but they're usually all from a lady's perspective (with exception to certain fundamentalist voices staunchly proclaiming that it is the ladies' responsibility).

What I have not heard, however, is the perspective of a conservative, Christian, 20-something guy. Hence, this blog.

The three main views I have found are:

• Conservative, pro-modesty (e.g. this passage, blog which I cannot find)
• Feminist, anti-modesty (e.g. this author)
• Feminist, pro-modesty (e.g. this article, activist)

For any of you caught off-guard at the third, so was I, but I digress.

I want you to take a look at that first link, the Bible passage. It's one often used to discuss modesty and often, it's used heavy-handedly. I want to draw your attention to one phrase, five words, that stands out to me: "... with decency and good sense..."

Well, as we all know, decency means conforming to a standard of respectability, right? Well let's also tale the word apart. Decency can also mean "being decent" (decent, of course meaning appropriate, marked by moral integrity, conforming to standards of propriety, etc). Additionally, good sense means, well, good sense.

Now, let's look at the issue. The most common reason Christians advocate modesty is to prevent a man from lusting and falling into sin (that's the common, layman's opinion anyways). The first feminist perspective is a reaction to this idea, saying that modesty is one of men's ways of impressing their dominance on women and the second feminist perspective is a reaction to the first saying, "It didn't work; women are more marginalized and mistreated, especially sexually."

So, whose responsibility is it, men's or women's?

I say both.

Men, frankly, you are told to stay away from lust by Christ Himself when He equated lust with committing adultery.

Women, how can I put this? Let me give you an illustration. Let's use the stereotype that women love chocolate. If a woman is trying to avoid having chocolate, it can be fairly easy if she only sees chocolate once or twice during the day. Conversely, if every person she passes throughout the day is carrying chocolate and a sign saying "Free Chocolate," it become so much more likely that her defenses will be worn through and she'll break down and eat some chocolate.

What I'm trying to say is that men love the female form and, unfortunately, far too many of us  try, covertly or overtly, to ogle, peer at, admire, stare at it. This is wrong, I will admit that; it dehumanizes women and demeans them in the men's minds. Then there are the few, the [sometimes] strong who try their very hardest to look each woman they see in the eye and only the eye. I consider myself one such man.

It's hard. It's even harder when talking to or seeing a woman wearing, for example, a top with a large decolletage or clothes that show every "hidden" curve. It's hardest when a fair majority of women are wearing such clothes. Even business/work clothes show or "hint" at the woman's entire body and let's not even start on the beach!* 

It's not just about the clothes, though. Actions play a significant role, too. Remember the small fact that people were offering chocolate in the story? An attitude of immodesty makes it just as hard, if not more so, for guys.

How, then, does being free from modesty empower women? If anything, it makes women more victims to men's lusts and desires at the same time as it wears away at men's defenses and, after the wall has fallen (if it was even there to begin with), it often feeds men's lusts.** It strongly promotes the objectification of women (how many centrefolds are fully, if not modestly, clothed and are conducting themselves?) and fails to place women on even footing. 

That's not the freedom and equality for women that feminists of yore were seeking and I'd be willing to bet it's not what the average woman on the street desires. So, feel free to dress up. Make yourself look beautiful, if you so desire, but be conscientious of how and why you do so. At the same time, let's not deride anyone who decides to go to extremes to cover up. Frump is such an ugly word. And men, the same goes for you, too. How we dress and act can be just as bad.

So, there's the good sense. Now, men and women, let us conduct ourselves and clothe ourselves with decency. That means:

• Men, don't look.
• Ladies, please don't show.
• Men, don't show.
• Ladies, don't look.
• Men, compose yourselves as would a gentleman, seeking not one's own benefit at the expense of a lady. (i.e. don't take advantage of a woman)
• Ladies, assume the bearing of ladyhood and act not in a manner provoking ungentlemanly behaviour.
• Men, be a man and don't act in such a way to make a woman act in an unladylike fashion (I mean this in two ways, men: don't provoke her to lust and don't make her feel she has to fight for her life or dignity. If she feels unsafe or is saying "No!", stop!)
• Ladies, please don't act in such a way as to take advantage of a man.

Modesty isn't a set of strictures (oh the irony), but a lifestyle. It's acknowledging the failings of the people around you and acting in such a way as to accommodate and uplift them. If you don't mind drinking alcohol, but you're with someone who does, then don't drink. If you're dining with a Jew or Muslim, don't eat pork. It's common courtesy. I'm just asking that ladies and men would do the same with respect to how they dress and act.

*See Evolution of the Swimsuit, by Jessica Rey

**I'm not saying immodesty causes sexual misdeeds, injustices, exploitations and the like. These cancers stem from a culture of sexual devaluation and "freedom", but they share the same root as much of today's immodesty. So, while immodesty does not cause these issues, it doesn't stand idly by, either.

The Wheel Turns

Today I find myself in a state I cannot truly express with words. What words suffice for the ending of ~10 years of my life? The attention and focus, the wondering about what is to come and searching what has already been written, all of this drawn to a close.

Bittersweet.

The sweetness of culmination, anticipation, and fulfillment, and the bitterness of ending. It's over.

A journey, begun in its inception 29 years ago, it began amassing followers and devotees before I was born. I wove myself into the tapestry soon enough.

To the late Robert Jordan: Thank you. Thank you for sharing your world with us. Thank you for the years of mystery, intrigue, and fantasy. Thank you for the imagination, late nights, and lost sleep.

To Brandon Sanderson: Thank you. You stepped in where the need arose. You fulfilled Jordan's dream and brought us all to a close.

My words cannot express the sentiments in near the fullest form, so I leave with this:

Tai'shar Malkier

Keep the Change

Alright. I know all of you webizens have heard countless rants about poor tippers, why you should tip, how little the restaurant business pays, etc. I know it. I hate them, too, but I want to offer a waiter's soapbox from a different perspective.

First of all, I want to note two trends. This may just be me, but hey.

People who pay in cash tend to tip by rounding up to the nearest currency increment (if it's only a buck or two, to the 5 above it) and saying, "keep the change", or just leaving before the waiter can return with the change.

People who pay with a gift card, if the entire tab is on the card, will either tip well in cash or on the card, but if there is a remainder, will usually only tip according to the remainder.

Both of those irritate me. To you credit/debit card patrons who do the math and usually tip well, congratulations and thank you.

Rant over.

Okay, but what's so important about the tip anyways, if you're not going to rant about income?

One thing (two, if you call yourself a Christian - it's one of the best ways to exemplify Christianity to the very secular world of waitroning).

Most restaurants want the best servers and will usually reward the best servers with more shifts and larger floor sections (basically, more chances to earn tips, squared).

How do they do this? By tracking two sets of numbers.

The first goes by a different name depending on your restaurant (mine calls it a GHI (gracious hospitality index)). This number is the average amount spent by one of your patrons. It's basically a measure of how well you can sell the expensive stuff. Can you coax someone from a coke and a burger to a handcrafted strawberry lemonade and a prime burger? If you can, this number will be high.

So, on a side note, please be patient when we suggest some of the more expensive menu items. We're not just trying to jack up the bill (though that is the easiest way to get a higher tip, usually).

The second is the average tip percentage. Pretty self-explanatory. It usually is a decent indicator of how well you can get the patron to like you/how good you are at serving.

What happens, then, is the boss looks at the numbers in comparison to the others and basically decides, "Okay, Jim has the 3rd highest GHI. Let's give him 6 tables tonight. Well, make that 5, since his tips are hanging around 14%. Now Jill, her GHI's not the best, but her tips, 21%! She's good. I'll give her 7 tables. She's capable enough to handle it."

Now, yes, the manager usually knows the waiters by more than name and numbers, but GHI and % are reliable indicators of a server's ability to sell and wow.

So, I ask you, not on the platform of wanting more money lining our pockets, but on the platform of wanting more chances to try to line our pockets, please treat us [your waiters] well*.

Oh, and if you're ever passing through Lynchburg, VA, take a moment to pop in and visit Ruby Tuesday. Who knows, I might be your server.

*(I'd recommend 18-20% as a guideline for standard, considering today's economy and most restaurants' goals)